We have so many hard times. We say over and over, it’s a hard week. We say, it’s a hard month. Or a popular saying to explain things quickly is, “times are tough.”
Those are all valid because living life as a person is tough. Nothing about it is easy or was ever promised to be easy.
I think where we fall short, all of us, not just you as a reader, is being mysterious and non communicative. For whatever the reason may be, it is valid and sometimes even a trauma response. Hey, sometimes it’s even subconscious and we are unaware we are doing it until it is told to us or revealed to us in a situation. There’s no blame here, reader. I just wanted to give a hot take on that culture. You know the culture going around now, the cut off, go mysterious and quiet, guessing game culture. The “cut them off and leave them wondering”, especially, but as a psychology student I’ve seen before “they deserve to be cut off because you never deserve to feel that way again” type attitude. Firstly, before anyone is up in arms, that is valid. You should absolutely never keep anyone in your life that brings you down more than raises you up. You should absolutely never keep anyone in your life that poses a threat to your happiness, well-being, stability, mental health, or most importantly your safety.
There is a way to do this though. I know, I know, that’s not what a lot of you want to hear from me. You can ignore me if you want to, I won’t be offended. Just hear me out though, even if you don’t apply this. A simple explanation of their toxic behavior warranting your cut-off response is mature and appropriate (unless you are in danger, then you must already know this doesn’t apply). I personally, after studying personality, sociology, behavior, and mood, think the romanticization of cut-off behavior is toxic. It has taken a storm on Tik-Tok, where most culture shifts and trends begin in the age of 2024.
I’ll say it again. That is not a good look and it needs to stop being romanticized. (UNLESS YOU ARE IN DANGER–I AM NOT CONVINCING NOR RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE STAYING/KEEPING CALM WAVES WITH DOMESTIC ABUSERS)
I’ll probably get backlash for this, but for a minute here while I have you, remember how much it hurt to be in the best friendship/situationship/relationship ever and suddenly you go to message them and it doesn’t deliver? Your heart beats a little faster and you worry (especially today) about their safety. You let some time pass, but then you call them and it’s becoming more obvious what is happening: it went straight to voicemail. Now you do what I’ve done, everyone else has done, you go onto the first social media app you both communicate on the most. Instagram, Twitter (X), Facebook, Snapchat… you look up their username or full name and they’re not there. It’s officially confirmed now that you’ve been cut off. What do you do now? Sever the connection and be cool with it? You never agreed or even knew it was coming (most times). You don’t want to seem like a creep, but you and I know, we all know, we look up their family member or friend, to make sure they’re safe. There’s nothing about them being in a horrible accident and hospitalized.
Your heart sinks.
The point of my rambling here is why do we do this? If you told this person you loved being their friend two days ago, or told them “I love you” last night, why wouldn’t you at least respect them enough (still, excluding abusive or dangerous situations here so no one starts attacking me over that) to take less than five minutes to explain why it’s over. Then go wild, block them and all those things.
My point is closure is such a big part of how we grow and develop. It impacts how we trust our next friendship or relationship, or even ourselves. Closure is the final layer of foundation. The final closing of the door. Without closure we feel like we are standing in the middle of a doorway we aren’t sure if we should spend our time standing in.
That feeling flat out sucks. It pulls our heart strings toward the fondness and memories we have with the person. It pulls our fear and resentment to the forefront with our positive pulled heartstrings, and then you have a perfect battle within yourself that you cannot answer. No one can answer it but who? Oh yes, the person that put you in that spot. Except they are long gone as you know it.
As humans, we live on habits. Whether it be our own, or with other people. It takes roughly ten weeks to form a habit according to the NIH (National Institute of Health) that’s a long time! It can take even longer to break a habit we invested our feelings in, with roughly 18 to 254 DAYS! Your brain will pick up that phone and try to text them depending on how often you communicated, every day!
We don’t realize the impact we have on others, either. Every song or meme you introduce them to they will forever associate you with that. Even a color, a food, a smell. Our footprint on people’s lives is permanent. (So don’t think you don’t make a difference here on this sphere, either).
I have an idea, after so much time in my psychology degree specifically focusing on behavior and personality…How about we all romanticize and promote open and honest communication, boundaries, likes and dislikes in culture. I’m sick of the “cut them off and leave them wondering” culture; it’s so childish and toxic. (Did I say that already? I did…I also said this is an exclusion to dangerous, domestic abuse, or life threatening connections).
Give someone an explanation, tell them what they did to make you so mad, then cut them off. Tell them if it was repetitive, if you let them know about it, all the details. It’s fair especially if it was someone you called a best friend.
I think we all can relate because we’ve all been cut off without a single word and not a single time has it been celebrated. All these poems you hear read online, see in books, stories you hear from friends…are all about the longing for connection and the gaping hole feeling of wondering where that went. Full transparency. At the end of the day we are all craving connection even if you are the most introvert to ever introvert. It begins at infancy, we study, reflect, and depend on our parents to soothe us. As infants, as Freud refers to it, our “oral stage” we expect to be instantly comforted when crying to our parents. If you previously lacked this you may find yourself in adulthood craving conversation, or a form of oral stimulation to soothe (over-eating, smoking, chewing gum).
Okay I got way too into psychology there, sorry.
After this much reading of my opinion and facts, if you stayed with me this long, I hope maybe a seed was planted consciously or subconsciously. That when you feel you want to isolate yourself as a trauma response (remember, the trauma response is real but so is your ability to ground yourself back to reality) that you can find a way to shoot a text to say, “Hey friend, today is a rough day so I might not answer you like I usually do.”
Just a small, simple surface level explanation as communication can go such a long way. Think of it as a pair of jeans full of holes. That is life. Use a patch for the days you feel you cannot be present. Unstitch the patch when you’re ready, but to leave the hole there, leaves the other person with that hole.
Find a middle ground with your friends or family. At the beginning, (and I can’t stress that timing enough) lay down boundaries. Tell them if you experience trauma or dissociation. Tell them if you become so anxious sometimes you struggle to even bring yourself to send that simple communication. I’m just saying, come up with a way so everyone feels like they still matter, and like you have not forgotten and/or ignoring them. No one will ever be able to read your mind. Nor can they always decode your actions as deeply as you feel they should be able to.
If you couldn’t tell already, connection, communication and friendship are a big deal to me. I wanted to share a little bit of my brain to others incase maybe you have never thought of this. My therapist taught me this way of thinking (even in the trenches of stress) is called holding both sides of the situation. Sometimes, it’s painful to do. Sometimes, you really don’t want to. Growth is acknowledging that and doing it anyways. You don’t have to see the whole staircase to take that first step. Change is uncomfortable for all of us…that’s a given. The worst kind of change is losing someone you called a best friend 24 hours ago and now they are a stranger. Unless they are extremely dangerous and violent, threatened you, your family, your belongings, or became so overbearing you are having a complete panic attack (still, the panic attack one I could debate you can communicate when calm), but anyways, unless they are those things…I’m sorry love there’s just no excuse to slam the door in someone’s face. Treat others how you want to be treated. I highly doubt you enjoy being locked in a room, with the door slammed, key thrown away, in friendship land. If you do, well, that’s between you and a therapist. I’m just here to encourage you as a reader to find a place within to have open communication and boundaries. Your relationships throughout life will prove to be longer lasting and more genuine. Don’t forget the last bit here: forgive and while you forgive, hold both sides, make a pro-con list, sleep on it. Never make decisions in the heat of the argument, but at the same time, as my dad always told me, never go to bed angry at someone. That sounds like I just dumped a load of expectations on you, I know. I promise you that you don’t have to do all of this in one single calendar day, just like you shouldn’t make a permanent decision when there is a solution, in a single calendar day.
As always, onwards and upwards.
Your friend and advice giver,
Jennifer Nelson. JN
Battling2Breathe 